🧨 Emergency Alerts System
The DFU Emergency Alert System exists to notify agencies and select vending machine operators of ongoing municipal resource mishandling in real time.
Whether it’s tactical gear left in a restroom or an accidental fireworks deployment in the evidence room, DFU ensures you are the last to know—eventually.
🛎️ Current Active Alerts
🚨 Alert 420-FRANK
Officer Frank has misplaced his taser. Last seen near the burrito station in HQ cafeteria. Building is in soft lockdown until cheese is cleared.⚠️ Alert 911-LOL
Duplicate riot gear orders delivered to two precincts. Both units claimed the gear. A compromise involving paintball arbitration is underway.❗ Alert 7-REDACTED
Do not approach the goats. We repeat: do not approach the goats.
📅 Historical Alerts (Partial Log)
🔔 Alert 313-BLEEP
Police cruiser stereo accidentally broadcast tactical comms to FM radio for 6 hours. Ratings were mixed.🪓 Alert 6-AXE
Fire Department borrowed and returned all Emergency Tactics axes. DFU authorized invoice forgiveness due to “honorable borrowing.”🎈 Alert 99-PARTY
SWAT birthday party planning committee exceeded its bounce-house perimeter. Air support not approved, but still used.
📣 Subscribe to Alerts
Text FRANK to 40404 to receive real-time taser misplacement alerts.
Fax opt-in no longer available due to ribbon shortage.
Note: Alerts are for entertainment purposes only. No meaningful action is expected.
Stay alertish.