🐾 Groundhog Reparations Initiative
In response to a series of unfortunate ceremonial rodent mishandlings, the DFU has implemented the Staten Island Groundhog Reparations Program (SIGRP), a first-of-its-kind symbolic justice mechanism for weather-prognosticating mammals.
📜 Background
In 2014, during an ill-fated Groundhog Day event, then-Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped Staten Island Chuck. Chuck was later reported deceased from internal injuries. The incident was unacknowledged officially for years until 2023, when de Blasio expressed regret, stating:
“It was idiocy… don’t hand someone a groundhog.”
The DFU recognizes that accountability, like winter, always returns.
💰 Program Goals
The SIGRP aims to:
- Fund the purchase of safe, humane groundhog handling equipment
- Provide counseling and enrichment for current and retired weather rodents
- Construct ceremonial safety podiums with guardrails
- Underwrite rodent life insurance policies (limited coverage)
🏛️ Eligible Expenses
Agencies and organizations may request funding for:
- Plexiglass enclosures with air holes and media backdrops
- Rodent-specific safety harnesses (size: “furious loaf”)
- Groundhog handler training via accredited marmotologists
- Memorial plaques or interpretive signage honoring fallen groundhogs
📅 Application Process
Applications open each year on February 1st. Early submissions will be shredded in honor of Chuck’s memory. Final decisions rendered by March 16, or when Punxsutawney Phil emails us back.
To apply, submit Form DFU-REPAR-2025 with at least one of the following:
- A poem of mourning
- A detailed safety plan
- A haiku referencing both shadows and bureaucracy
⚖️ Restorative Justice, Symbolically
We cannot undo the past. But we can underwrite its public-facing consequences. Let no groundhog suffer in vain.
The DFU: Funding closure for ceremonial rodents since 2024.